Last night I had a dream about not being a mom. Please, don't say awe or feel sad about that statement. I don't! Never have...you see from early in life I just never had the desire to carry a baby, give birth, see me or my husband in a child, etc.
I used to have to address this issue over and over with people about not wanting children. "You'll change your mind" and "You'll have a dozen" were regular responses.
There was a point in life where I thought if I was going to be in love I would have to have a child because my partner would want to be a dad. I see how flawed that thinking is now and thank goodness I waited until I was older before getting married.
Then, as it turns out, I couldn't have kids anyway. And...my hubby didn't want children, either.
So why am I posting this? Because as much as my dream was about not being a mom, it was about being an aunt. In the dream I was talking to A, J, R, and E. I wanted to make sure they all knew that I didn't want my own babies...I wanted them.
When lots of girls pictured what it would be like to be a parent, I would say it would be much better to be an aunt! I saw myself going to movies with them, riding in a car with the window down chatting, listening to them talk about new old music they discover...grinning ear to ear the entire time.
When I was about 12, I remember riding with my Aunt Dory to a family get together. She had a older car with no ac or radio. There was a battery-operated radio that she sat on the seat and if you held it right, you could get a good station. I remember that drive clear as day. I can see in my head modern day versions of this scene with my own niece and nephews.
I always tell people who feel sympathy that I couldn't have kids not to feel that way. Somewhere, in whatever higher power you believe in, that desire was replaced in me to be an aunt.
I decided to write this post for a few reasons...
1. A lot of women feel so much pressure to have a baby. It is okay not to want to have a child. Your mom will recover from the shock, you can still get married, and it doesn't make you a bad person. (Btw: My aunt taught me this.)
2. I wanted to make sure that my nephews and niece know that I wanted them...always. From how I saw myself when I was a child to how, in current time, I picture Patrick and I going on adventures with them.
When A came along it was full of excitement and how do we do this right? He made it easy. Such a loving and easy going kid. I mean what child lays his head down and goes to sleep when you say night night? Uncle Patrick loves the fact that comics and super heros are back in his world again...okay they were always there in the shadows! Getting to see him change into this little guy and talking with him about basketball is fun already. My little snapshot of him is sitting in the back seat during our yearly birthday outing. He was probably 2 or 3 at the time and, when Patrick got out to pump the gas, A said, "Aunt Gina, where did Uncle Pat Wick go?" and raised his hands and shoulders.
Then we had sweet J join the clan. The little model of the family! He came out ready to take on the world and learn, learn, learn. So adventurous and inquisitive...he keeps you sharp! His love of books...yeah!!! I will forever picture him with his white blond hair sitting on the little beach and offering me a bite of his sandwich...hair standing straight up and one eye closed. I find J inspiring. I don't know how many times I've seen or heard him do something and I think to myself that I need to be more like that kid. Fearless, full of life, and not a day goes by that he doesn't learn something new, ask questions, and fully enjoy life.
Then, my brother--my BABY brother--had R. After accepting that my brother didn't remain 8 while I grew up, I found myself with an entirely new set of excitement. The night R was born was our 9th anniversary. We had been out at a picnic on the beach in Florida and came back to the room to find a message that he was on he way. I sat there shaking with excitement. Literally, I was a nervous wreck. Maybe there is a link between siblings and that's what I was feeling because I didn't freak out with the other three. A few days later, he was curled in our arms looking at us with such calmness. The most chilled out baby I've ever known. He would just check it all out and stare at you with those beautiful eyes. He's a chatterbox of his own language and I am so amazed by how his actions are the clear actions I remember of my brother when he was a baby. Nothing can beat a good car or truck toy. Content to play along and invent his own world, but happy to let you join in at any time. He brought a lot of comfort to me during his first few years with his hugs, grins, and his dimple that is just like my mom's and mine.
Finally, E arrived to shrieks of excitement as she is the only girl! She will most likely despise pink and ruffles given how girl crazy we all go with her. She was this little nugget of a baby the first time I held her. The only one who was actually sleeping the first time I held them, come to think of it. Then again, I think she slept 22 hours a day those first few weeks! She is still figuring all of us out and finding her voice. She loves to see see see. She watches everything with such interest. I tell her every time I see her that she is my favorite niece. Why not?!? Girl needs to know she is special! She is someone I expect great things from. Not that I think the boys won't do great things. I just feel something special when I'm around her. Like she is going to achieve something magical. And I will never let her forget that she created her own spit corner at her first holidays. ;)
They are each so important to me and I hope I can be to them. I've had amazing role models in my aunts and uncles, all 19 of them (plus more that I inherited via PK)!
So, anyway, it was a dream I thought important to write down so I thought I'd share. Long live all the women who are strong enough to spoil and love the child and then send then back to mommy!