Saturday, January 5, 2008

Insecurity

I think most people in my life think I'm a pretty secure person, and in general, I am. However, as I've gotten older, I've developed some anxiety ridden tendencies and most of them are kicking in right now. (Everybody who interacts much with me knows I am both terrified of the dentist and rats/mice--for different reasons, of course. : )) No, I'm talking about those hidden fears that we don't discuss much...

1. We are getting ready to fly to San Fran on business. Now, I've flown a lot for a girl who grew up in tiny, middle of nowhereville. Last year, we had a bad landing and ever since then I've had these panic sessions on planes. Take off, landing, and any little noise while we are up there. Just terrified. I sit and cry and panic. It didn't help that on our trip to NY this year, the plane pulled back to start moving to take off and we had to stop because an engine died and wouldn't start again. Talk about wanting to get off and stay off of a plane! I love to travel and experience new cultures soooooooo much, so I've got to get over this.

2. I have to give a presentation at the conference. Honestly, it will be brief, over the lunch session, and a blip compared to the other presentations. However, I just get really nervous. I'm typically fine and far less nervous when I actually get up there and start going. (I do the same thing with teaching knitting classes, even if it is just 2 people!) Lots of fear and nerves before...

3. For all my love of travel, there are two things I find so unbearable about it. I have TONS of trouble sleeping in a hotel. Even with PK with me, I just never feel secure. Here again, I had a strange occurrence in the past year where Kitty and I were in a very nice hotel, but at 3 in the morning a raging angry voice was right outside our door threatening to kill his girlfriend who had looked him out of the room. There is nothing like calling security and then telling a friend to get away from the door and get behind a bed in case he started shooting a gun!!! That was a fun night at TNNA. : ) The other unbearable thing...leaving the doggies at the dog hotel. I absolutely hate it. I hate not having them here the night before. I hate not seeing them every day. I hate having to put them through their own hotel anxiety. It just sucks. Lucky for Kennedy, she has Riley. However, this stresses Riley out a great deal, so I always feel like I'm picking her sanity and health over his.

Well, there it all is. Maybe writing it down will make it all ease up a bit so that I can travel happily. Thanks for being my therapists!

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